Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone

This past Sunday one of my cousins invited everyone over to her house. Most of my mom’s side of the family basically live within a 15 minute drive from one another. I grew-up in a house with 12 other people. My mom and her (seven) siblings are very close (despite my mom not even knowing she had siblings til her late teens). While I enjoy spending time with my family, I realized just how closed off I am with them and it made me really upset.

I haven’t come out to them so I don’t readily volunteer information about myself. It’s always them asking questions and me not giving them much to go on. It always feels like a knife twisting in my gut when one of my aunts or uncles ask me when I’ll finally introduce a girl to the family. I’ve wanted to tell my cousins for a long time now because I think they’ll be very accepting of it, but I’m not ready for my uncles and aunts to know yet. And I can’t ask my cousins to keep that from them.

My family is old school Filipino. They won’t disown me when I come out, but they’re not going to be celebrating it either. I’ll be the subject of gossip for the rest of my life.

I’ll always be different and set apart from the rest of the family.

My Boys

So Nashville Waikiki (a Country bar) has quickly become my ‘Cheers’. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t get carded at the door anymore, it’s great. Because I love Nash so much, I try to get everyone I know to come with me. So of course, when two of my good friends came to visit back in May, I told them I had to take them. One of the nights there we met Ricky and Luke. My friends and I sat there and ogled them two-stepping all over the dance floor. Eventually, the guys asked my friends, Molly and Jen to dance. The rest, is pretty much history. Molly has since started a pseudo long distance relationship with Ricky and Luke is semi-seeing another friend I brought to Nash. I’ve become friends with Ricky and Luke, as well as their roommates Josh and Fergie; all of which are Naval man. I know right? 
Anyway, these guys are the first straight men I’ve ever been out to. I was out to them from the very beginning, and it’s kind of amazing. I used to have this irrational fear that as soon as a straight guy found out I was gay, that he would beat the shit out of me. But these guys have accepted me and are completely okay with it, and it really warms my heart.
One of the guys, Fergie, I had only known for literally 2 days, and by the second night of going out, was already saying we should be each others’ wingmen. He’d help me with the men, if I helped him with the women. When I moved last weekend, Luke volunteered to help out. And when I told him I’d pay him back in beer or dinner, or anything, he told me that it was okay, that that’s what friends are for. It seriously melted my heart. And then other night, we had gone out, and we were consoling this drunk girl who we met through another friend, and she was talking about how her best friend, who’s gay, always stole guys away from her (which is a whole other story). She mentioned that her friend is “the gay guy that everyone loves” and Ricky and Luke stopped her and said that I held that title. Again, my heart melted.
It’s weird. I’ve only known these guys for a relatively short amount of time, but because they’re the first straight guys I’ve come out to, and that they’re so okay with it, has landed them a special place in my heart. I don’t know, I guess it’s because I’ve always wanted to have straight male friends, but never thought it would actually be possible. It’s really nice.

So I just called my cousin to wish her a ‘happy birthday’ and she told me that my goddaughter needs to be fitted for a hearing aid. They’re not sure how, but she has severe hearing lost in her right ear. I just want to jump on a plane and hold her and never let go. I was tearing up just hearing about it. I couldn’t even imagine what it must of been like for my cousin to get that news. I don’t want her to have to deal with being made fun of at school. She’s only 5 and shouldn’t have to deal with things like that. I remember how hard it was for me in elementary school and I don’t want her to feel even a shred of that. My poor baby…

Peyton Oliver

So one of my best friends, the first of my group of friends from college, is pregnant. She was the last one I would have thought to get pregnant. She always joked how she hated children and that she didn’t want to be a mom and I always told her, trust me, you’ll want kids one day. And look at her now. She told me about a month ago and sent me a picture of the sonogram. It was so surreal. I was over the moon happy for her. She’s from the San Diego area but all our friends are in NorCal, so she made a trip up to have a baby shower with them. Of course I wasn’t able to go, which really bummed me out. But, I can’t wait to meet her future daughter, Peyton Oliver. I absolutely love the name they chose. I already know she’s going to be one of the most out going, snarky, little kid I’ve ever met; just like her mom. I mean, until I have kids, haha. 

Faith or Religion?

So I just got into a religious debate on facebook, which is never a good thing. Everyone knows that topics you should steer clear from in polite conversation are sex, politics, and religion. I was raised catholic, and identify myself as so, but I don’t follow it too strictly. I put my faith in God, not in the writings of man. I understand that the Bible says this and that, but I also have my own moral compass that God was gracious enough to grant me. How can you tell me God created me in his image then condemn me for what I believe is right? I think no matter what, you know in your heart what’s right and what’s wrong. When it comes down to it, religion is the faith that everything will turn out okay in the end. It comes down to the fact that as hard as life gets, people take comfort in the faith that someone or something is watching over them, no matter what religion it is they practice. It’s when people start feeling like they’re superior to others because of their religion that it becomes a problem. That others need to convert to their religion because it’s the better religion. Really? We were all put on the same earth together, do you actually believe that when we die, we’re all going to end up in different places? 

Monotone.

So growing up, my family was calling me gay before I even knew what the word meant. I would always rack my brain trying to figure out what it was I did that was making them say that. I don’t remember when but I heard the sound of my voice once and thought that my high pitched voice had to be it. It was too high and too animated. So, I forced myself to make my voice deeper and have less emotion. Now, at 25, I’ve got an emotionless, monotone voice and I don’t know how to make myself sound less like a robot…

Foreboding

So my neighbors have two dogs and recently one of the dogs has been coming to my window at night and barking directly towards my room. I’ve looked outside and the dog looks directly into my room and just barks until I shh her. It’s really weird. She’s done it a couple of nights for like the last 2 or 3 weeks. The dog only does it at night. Due to my wild imagination and superstitions, I feel like she’s trying to warn me about something. Or like she sense’s that there’s something in my room that I can’t see. Coincidentally, it started after I got a fortune cookie without a fortune in it. Which I took as me not having a future. Which makes me think the angel of death is lingering around me which is what the dog is barking at. I mean, signs come in threes right? A fortune-less fortune cookie and a dog barking at my window at night are 2 out of 3. These are the kind of thoughts that run through my head. I sound like a lunatic, I know. But, if you hear about my passing, pour a 40 out for me.  

Innocence Lost

When I was in middle school, AOL was king. My favorite sound in the whole world was the sound of that loud ass dial-up modem. What made AOL so awesome? Chat Rooms. Yes, chat rooms. A/S/L anyone?  I was 11 and going into chat rooms and ASL’ing all over the place. Chat rooms were my first foray into the “gay world.” Except at first I was too scared to go into the gay chat rooms, it was cyber space and I was still scared of “exposing” my true self, so I went into straight chat rooms and pretended I was a girl. I WAS ONE OF THE PEOPLE OUR PARENTS WARNED US ABOUT. I would go on the internet and talk to people pretending I was someone else. Oh if those boys only knew. 

So what were chat rooms for exactly? Well they were a way to connect and talk to people all over the world. Amazing right? Well there was also this feature where you could private message people. That’s where things got really hot and heavy. Because anyone who went into chat rooms really only went for one thing, hot cyber sex. There I was, 11 year old me, lying and having cyber sex with various men. How I even knew how to do all of this is actually kind of scary now that I think of it. With hindsight, I realized that in one of the gay chat rooms, I talked to a LEGITIMATE pedophile, but that’s a story for another time.

Anyway, there was one guy I was talking to, telling him to do “naughty things” to me. If I remember correctly he told me he was 19, and I told him I was a 20 year old co-ed. We got all hot and heavy and at one point I asked him to send me pictures of his dick. YES. Me at 11. God…He didn’t have a camera, so me, being the Macgyver that I am, told him to scan his penis. Hahahaha. Don’t I just know how to turn a situation around? After scanning it he was telling me how he was trying to resize the picture because it came out too big and before I knew it my devilish little fingers typed, and I quote, “Don’t worry. I like it big,” and hit send. I was in complete shock with myself. I just couldn’t believe how it came out so naturally. It was at that exact moment that I realized, after everything, that I had lost the last of my childhood innocence. This picture later outted me to one of my cousin’s, but alas, yet another story for another time. 

Love and other Oddities

I’ve never really talked to people about this because it makes me feel awkward and weird but here goes, I am a 25 year old virgin. There, I said it. Now it’s out there. Not only am I a 25 year old virgin, I’m a gay 25 year old virgin. The being gay part makes a big difference. Society tells us that sex is something special and should only be shared by two people, but then it’ll turn around and make you feel weird if you haven’t had sex by a certain age. It’s like, if you haven’t had sex yet, then what’s wrong with you? Because obviously, something has to be wrong if you’ve gone 25 years without sex.

Being in the closet has been the largest contributor to this. I mean, I’ve had opportunities to lose my virginity to girls but they weren’t girls I was interested in…which is a whole other story for another time. Let’s focus on one issue at a time shall we? Moving on. I’ve had one opportunity to lose it to a guy. We meet in the Castro, the guy I had my first gay experience with, but I couldn’t do it. I was drunk and with my friends and I just wasn’t ready to go to a strangers apartment and have a nsa hook-up.

I’m a virgin in pretty much ever aspect of the word. I’ve never been in a relationship. Again, being so far in the closet didn’t help, and I’m only now trying to really venture out of it, but it’s really difficult to do on my own. I wish that I at least had someone here to go to the very few gay bars. But again, off topic. I’ve never experienced the physical contact you have with another person that comes with being in a relationship. Holding hands in public, falling asleep in each others arms, and all those other things you see in sappy movies.

I think my problem is that I just need to be OUT. Not white lying it to everyone. But I feel like that would be added stress that I don’t need. Why would I come out when I don’t have anyone to come out for, you know? But I guess the rub in that is I don’t think I’d find anyone to come out for if I was in the closet. Why couldn’t I have had one of those closeted serendipitous gay experiences in high school?

Despite all of this, I can still give amazing sex and relationship advice. I’m always that one friend people come to. For realsies. 

Bakla

So I’m watching a Tagalog movie on Netflix right now, which is mind blowing to me, yet odd because I’m not used to watching a Tagalog movie with English subtitles, anyway, it’s about a young gay boy in the Philippines. The movie’s really low budget and gritty, which is making me feel like I’m actually there. I love the Philippines. All of it. From the dirty barrios to the smell of smog. And there’s something about hearing everyone speaking Tagalog that’s just…I don’t know. It makes me feel at home. I was born in California but my family made sure that I wouldn’t forget my Filipino culture and took trips to the Philippines whenever we could afford it. I’ve only gone a handful of times, but I’ve never had a bad trip.

Which brings me to the next stop on my thought train. What are trips to the Philippines going to be like after I come out? How understanding will my family over there be? I can understand Tagalog, but speaking it is a different story. I can get by okay enough, but how do I explain myself in Tagalog, when I have a hard time doing it in English? 

I’ve only gone on trips with my mom, aunts and uncles. Will I ever go with just me and my future husband? Would he ever want to go? My culture’s very important to me, as are trips to the Philippines. When I have kids, I want to take them so they can see that you have to work hard and to help them appreciate the things that they have. I guess that’ll be a bridge I’ll cross when I get there.

If there’s one thing I hate about being gay, it’s that I constantly have to come out. It’s not a one time deal.

Growing up, my family thought I was gay before I even knew what ‘gay’ meant. I was constantly bombarded with questions about my sexuality before I even hit puberty. Of course they were right, but it wasn’t because I acted “stereo typically” gay. It’s not like I dressed up in mom’s clothes or wanted to play with barbies all the time. It was because I was a shy, introverted kid and wasn’t very aggressive. Irregardless of what they used as criteria to label me gay, I got used to the fact of people just assuming I was. Now that I’m older, I get kind of weirded out that people don’t automatically assume that I’m gay. What’s worse is that I LIKE when people think I’m straight. Maybe I’m self deprecating. I don’t know. But I think it’s because people get to know the “real” me before they put a label on me (even though the real me is super homo). Now, I have so many mixed emotions about people automatically assuming I’m straight. 

Good Samaritans

So I’m on the bus on the way to work and I’m fumbling with my tie. I know how to tie a tie but the knot I make is too fat for this particular tie so I’m trying to remember how to do a smaller knot. After a couple attempts, an older man comes up to me and asks if I’d like some help. I smiled sheepishly at him and told him thank you but I was okay. I watched as he went back to his wife and they grinned at each other. It was kind of precious. It’s rare moments like this that I really love. When the universe reminds me that there are still genuinly good people out there.

There was another time when I got my first flat tire ever and I had no idea how to fix it. I called my mom and she basically told me I was on my own because she had no idea either. Thanks mom. She said she’d have my uncle call me and talk me through it. The flat happened at a community college I was taking summer classes at so I tried to look around for people who might be able to help. I decided to ask this big burly guy who looked like he was the grounds keeper. He told me he’d be happy to help me. I was more thankful than he could have ever possibly imagined. He made sure I did it though and just walked me through it. So that i’d know what to do for the future. The car next me was a mom waiting for her son and asked us if we needed any help. We told her we were good and thanked her. Her son finally came but the both of them made sure to stay until I was done to make sure everything was okay. It gave me this feeling I can’t really pinpoint. These people took the time out of their busy schedule to make sure a complete stranger was okay. It was nice.

I don’t know why I always get surprised when things like that happen to me. When I’m reminded that there’s still good in this world. I guess it’s because I see these people who have compassion for their fellow man, but I just wish I saw it happen all the time. That people are always willing to help out a complete stranger. Why can’t humanity just get together and be okay?

Hawai’i or California

So it still hasn’t really hit me that I will FINALLY (knock on wood) be entering my last year of college. With only mere months separating me and a BSN (and you know, so much reading I’ll probably drown, tests that I’ll never have enough time to study for and back to back 12hr shifts at the hospital. No biggie), I’ve had the conversation so many times with different people on whether or not I’m going to stay here or move back to CA. When I first moved out here I never intended on staying. I was going to finish school and move back home. But, I soon realized that leaving all this would not be as easy as I thought.

Not a day goes by that Hawai’i doesn’t take my breath away. I am constantly amazed and I don’t think that’ll ever change; no matter how long I live here. I fell in love with Hawai’i. The beauty is a given. Even the simplest of things like a sunset have a grandeur like no where else. But what I love most is the culture. Hawai’i is so rich in culture and pride. And learning the history of it all just makes it that much sweeter. There’s history every where you turn. (Sidenote: the reason I love London and Paris so much is for the same reason. The culture and history is palpable). And the “aloha spirit” is everywhere. People are genuinely nice. Okay, the fact that I’m brown probably helps, but that still doesn’t change the fact that whenever I’m out on my own and a confused look crosses my face, a complete stranger will come up to me and ask if I need help with anything. True story.

But, despite my undying love for this place, I don’t really have anything keeping me. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met some amazing people. People I hope to have in my life for many years to come. But the bonds aren’t strong enough to anchor me here. And if I don’t find a job, I won’t be able to support myself. Whereas back in CA, I can move back home (ugh) until I have a steady income and move out on my own. Although the likelihood of me moving back to CA is pretty high, staying here is still on my list of possibilities…

Aloha ē
Akahai e na Hawai‘i
Lōkahi a kū like
‘Olu‘olu ka mana‘o
Ha‘aha‘a kou kūlana
Ahonui a lanakila
Aloha ē

Kindness to be expressed with tenderness
Unity to be expressed with harmony
Pleasant are your thoughts
Humility to be expressed with modesty
Patience to be expressed with perseverance